As I See It: You’ve Got Interviews
April 2, 2012 Victor Rozek
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High traffic websites require a daily supply of new material to entertain the surfing masses. But curing the ills of the terminally jaded requires taking a broad-spectrum antibiotic approach: provide a wide variety of postings as remedy for a wide variety of tastes, from the serious to the vacuous. On Yahoo!, for example, you can find everything from video of the Annual Wife-Carrying Obstacle Race (my wife and my back decided to abstain this year), to Rick Santorum insisting that he doesn’t care about the unemployment rate. Sometimes it’s hard to know where vacuous ends and serious begins. On slow news days, you can always entertain yourself with someone else’s idea of what constitutes “best.” The “Top Ten” genre, popularized by David Letterman, can be, and often is, applied to just about anything: The ten cheapest places to retire that are not in a war zone. Six things a doctor isn’t allowed to tell you in Texas. Five things you should never do when dating a rhinoceros. Three dietary supplements guaranteed to kill your bed bugs. It’s comforting to know the experts are out there sorting through the possibilities. But when I came across a piece by Kelly Eggers listing the ten dumbest things you can say during a job interview, I remembered that dumb was one of my best things, and so I decided to post some of my own. Prospective interviewees should realize that even before they open their mouth, they’re already at a disadvantage. Job seekers are supplicants, asking for work from a stranger who is petrified of making a mistake by hiring the wrong person. Still, if you’ve actually been invited to interview, chances are the hiring manager already knows what makes you a good candidate. So he’s probably not looking for a reason to hire you, he’s looking for reasons not to. Which is where dumb comes in. Remember, your candor will not necessarily be appreciated. You’ll be asked for your opinions, but don’t get too attached to them. As George W. Bush famously advised: “I have opinions of my own–strong opinions–but I don’t always agree with them.” Be leery from the start. If you’re asked “Would you like a cup of coffee?” it’s probably a trick question. Resist the impulse to be honest and say “No, but I sure could use a drink.” You may agree with Oscar Wilde that work is the curse of the drinking class, but don’t pull out your flask until you get back in the car. And if you’ve already lost your driving privilege, never ask “Does the company have a ride-share program for people convicted of DUI?” If you’re late for your interview and your interviewer looks like he’s about to have an aneurism, never say “The drugs knocked me out for longer than ususal. Hey, maybe you should try some.” Believe it or not, a corporation that will gladly feed you pink slime laced with ammonium hydroxide, will find sarcasm inappropriate. So it’s probably also not a good idea to say that you frequently make up for coming in late by leaving early. Try not to show your lack of current experience. If you’re touring the computer facility, avoid saying “That’s a disk drive? Where are the platters?” And if they want you to take a computer-based test, try not to ask, “How do I get to the C: prompt?” When discussing your education, never, ever say, not even in jest, “I studied labor law in school,” The alarms will go off, and security will escort you out of the building. Not that labor law is often enforced, but one can never be too careful. Using words like “union,” “organize,” and “rights” will also dramatically shorten your interview. If you’re a woman, never say “Wow, seems like a great place to find a husband.” Husbands don’t want to be found. They aren’t hiding. And it puts the interviewer in a tricky position. Would he make to cut? Would he even want to make the cut? Either way, male insecurity will work against you. And, if you plan to get pregnant as soon as your medical benefits kick in, try to keep that bit of good news to yourself. Showing interest in the company is great. But, if you’re a man, and the interviewer invites you to ask questions, never say “Do the babes here like to party?” Companies may use sex to sell their products, but they want to pretend the people they hire are asexual. That strategy didn’t work well for the Catholic Church, but hope is eternal. Just remember Jeff Foxworthy’s advice: “You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you’re not ‘professional’ any more.” Never ask, “Does the company have a policy against looking at porn during breaks?” You should already know that every company has a strict policy against enjoying yourself at work. If you want to investigate the most profitable industry on the Internet, you’ll have to do it like everyone else–surreptitiously. To paraphrase Eugene McCarthy, the Vietnam-era poet/politician: Interviewing for a job “is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it’s important.” And if things don’t go well, you can always become a consultant. It’s no accident that consultants have credibility because they don’t want permanent work. “The trouble with unemployment,” said Slappy White, “is that the minute you wake up in the morning you’re on the job.” Sort of like the presidency. In fact, the unemployed would do well to heed the wisdom of former heads of state. After all, none of them worked all that long, some of them helped crash the economy and, after four or eight years, they all found themselves unemployed. So, if anyone should have insight into unemployment, it’s the guys who help create it. There’s a reason why Abraham Lincoln who, strictly speaking, never made it to unemployment, was known as Honest Abe. “My father taught me to work,” Lincoln said. “He did not teach me to love it.” Don’t be like Abe. Given that level of candor, he would be unemployable today. Calvin Coolidge was a much simpler man. But once in a while he stumbled into a vat of profound insight: “When large numbers of men are unable to find work, unemployment results.” You have to admire his logic. Harry Truman had a bit more capacity for nuance. “It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job,” he said. “It’s a depression when you lose your own.” Give ’em unemployment insurance, Harry. But wait a minute. Ronald Reagan, never a great friend of labor, had a slightly different take. “Unemployment insurance is a pre-paid vacation for freeloaders,” he said. Ouch. I’m sure that thinking didn’t apply to his lifetime benefits package. And this from my very favorite quotester, George W. Bush himself: “In the long run, the right answer to unemployment is to create more jobs.” No kidding. Happy interviewing.
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